The Real Reason Leaders Don't Listen

“Look man, you can listen to Jimi but you can't hear him. There's a difference man. Just because you're listening to him doesn't mean you're hearing him.” ~ Wesley Snipes, “White Men Can’t Jump”

Most of the CEOs I work with have a few things in common. They want to grow their businesses, develop their teams, and become stronger, more successful leaders. Many of these CEOs also realize a common key issue that had been holding them back: their listening skills.

Such was the case with a client who, for the sake of this blog, I will call “Joe*.”  Joe was the CEO of a tech company that he was struggling to grow past 50 employees. He was overwhelmed and unsure how to lead his staff to develop the crucial qualities needed to take the company to the next level. He found himself increasingly frustrated with a couple of his key people and he was beginning to wonder if the company was outgrowing them.

In one of our meetings, Joe seemed a bit out of sorts after a project had gone off the rails. He then confessed to me that he just had a huge argument with his wife, brought on because she said he “never listens” to her.

In speaking with Joe, I learned that ‘not listening’ was a common complaint he heard from many people in his life, from his employees and peers, to his wife, children, and friends. I could tell the complaint frustrated him. He was a successful CEO with high growth potential. He thought himself to be a good communicator. He had always been smart and was well educated – a lifelong learner.

Joe was the kind of guy who, when he set a goal for himself, he met it. Yet, after years of reading titles like, “How to Listen,” and “5 Steps to Listening Better,” and even working on his listening skills in marriage counseling, Joe still got feedback that he didn’t listen. 

Why was he still getting criticism on his listening skills?

One of the most rewarding parts of my CEO coaching work is seeing the look on CEO’s face when I ask the question that brings them to the Aha! moment – the one that solves a problem they’ve been working on for months, sometimes even years.  

It wasn’t until I asked Joe the question below that he began the path to listening more. I would like you to ask yourself this question too. 

I opened with a bit of background: “Back when I was a CEO, I had a wise CEO coach who once told me, ‘There are only two reasons why someone doesn’t do something. Either they can’t do it, or they won’t do it. If they can’t, they don’t have the ability, or the skills. If they won’t, they don’t have the desire or will.’” 

And then I asked the question, “So, why don’t you listen? Is it because you can’t listen – meaning you don’t know how to listen? Or is it because you won’t listen – you don’t want to listen?”

Joe went silent for a few seconds and, as the Aha! moment came across his face, he said sheepishly, “Well, I guess it’s because I don’t want to listen.”

This revelation was massive. Joe was finally ready to admit that, deep down, he believed that his own ideas were the best; that, as CEO, it was his job to have the best ideas.

So, while Joe might have often said, “I want to listen to my employees,” he was giving off energy that said otherwise. He was mentally checking out whenever anyone else was talking. Rather than being present and hearing what was being said in the moment Joe was formulating all the things he was going to reply.

Sound familiar?

This is the first of a multi-part series on communication and becoming a better listener. In the coming weeks, I am going to share with you the five most common reasons why leaders don’t listen and how to overcome them. In the final post, we will wrap up how to overcome the common obstacles to changing from a ‘teller’ to a ‘listener.’

The first step on this journey is relatively simple. It is also the most important. By doing this one thing, you are well on your way to becoming a better listener not only in the boardroom, but in the bedroom, as well.

Step 1: You have to put your ego away.

You have to admit to yourself: “Part of the reason I am not a good listener is because I assume I already know the answer.”

You have to confess the role that your own ego has played in your lack of ability to hear the people around you. Because I assure you, it certainly has. Anytime someone comes to me as a CEO and says, “Krister, I need to become a better listener,” what they are really saying (even though they don’t yet realize it) is, “Krister, when other people talk, I am too busy/too self-involved/too cocky/too insecure to listen.”

Ouch. I know. It hurts to admit that. It’s not fun to look back and see the places in our lives where we have screwed up and let people down. I know that firsthand, because I had to go through that same growth process myself.

Let’s face it: When you say you are a bad listener, you probably aren’t saying that there is something wrong with your hearing. You’re not physically incapable of listening. So, if your body is there, and your ears are working just fine, why is it that you still aren’t listening?

Consider the possibility that there may be a part of you that doesn’t actually care to hear what other people have to say; a part of you that is afraid that if you listen to other people, then you won’t be in control. You won’t be seen as the smartest guy in the room.

So, are you ready to start the journey to becoming a better listener?