How to Practice Empathy When It Feels Unnatural

As someone who was an engineer and not naturally inclined to be emotionally intelligent, empathy did not come easy to me. However, I have learned throughout my career that empathy is essential to building deeper, committed relationships at work and at home. We feel more connected to our bosses and employees as well as our spouses and kids when we prioritize understanding their feelings.

 And I’m not the only one who thinks this is important. More and more businesses are realizing why empathy is important at work. It acts as a conduit for forging commitment, loyalty, and trust between coworkers, leading to higher productivity and lower staff turnover. Research shows that empathy is a desired characteristic in management, which is probably why 20% of companies offer empathy training.

A team without an empathetic leader will struggle with the fear of failure at work. You can blame our systemic response to fear on the prefrontal cortex. Like a fickle muse, the prefrontal cortex delivers imagination and innovation — but only on its terms. As soon as fear enters the picture, this area of the brain goes AWOL. 

As an empathetic leader, you can help teach your employees how to overcome fear at work. If your team knows their leader really understands what they’re going through, they’ll feel more comfortable expressing themselves. But in order to reach this point, you have to practice empathy. 

Even though the importance of empathy is clear, leaders who do not have a natural inclination for emotional intelligence struggle to practice it. So how do you add this skill to your toolbox? Well, take a guess.

Imagine this scenario: An employee you supervise walks into the office and you immediately notice that he doesn’t seem like himself. You go over to greet him and ask them how he’s doing. He replies, “I just feel really off my game today.” 

Now, as a leader, you want to get to the bottom of this feeling to see if there is an underlying issue you can attempt to solve. This is where the guesswork comes in to play as you work to truly amplify employee engagement.

You say: “I wonder if you’re feeling tired.”

What happens next is that people will think about their feelings and correct your guess. From there, we naturally learn to become more attuned to the people in our lives.

“No, I think I feel more overwhelmed.”  

This is great. While it’s not great that he feels overwhelmed, we have effectively done two things. First, we’ve learned a little more about the telling signs of an overwhelmed employee. Second, we’ve opened the door to a conversation about why they are feeling overwhelmed and what we as their supervisor can do to curb that. 

In addition to instituting these “empathy guesses” in your interactions, here are some other quick tips for becoming a leader who understands the advantages of empathy: 

How to Be a Better Leader Using Empathy

1. Share the gift of gratitude.

Appreciated people feel more comfortable sharing their emotions at work. When your employees do their best, recognize them. You don’t have to bust out a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade; just say a simple “Thank you.” Telling personnel that you’re glad that they’re on your team sends the message that you value their contributions. Employees will be more likely to approach you for help when they don’t feel like they’ll be penalized for it.

2. Lend an ear to your employees.

 Is someone on your staff floundering? They might be dealing with problems outside of work and need someone to encourage them. Tell them you’re concerned about their well-being and want to figure out a way to get them back on track. If they’re willing to open up about the crux of their fear, then encourage them to explore worst-case scenarios and outcomes. Typically, verbalizing the scariest possible situations takes away the sting of worry.

3. Check your tongue. 

For some individuals, stress explodes into full-blown anger. As a leader, try to empathize during these moments; show compassion instead of lashing out in retribution. The calmer you can be, the sooner your employee can start naming their triggers. Make no mistake: This is tough, especially if you’re at the receiving end of a tirade. However, getting to the bottom of the emotional problem can diffuse the drama and reduce future friction.

4. Encourage everyone to practice emotional intelligence.

Perhaps you’ve already taken empathy workshops, but do your team members know the role of empathy in communication? Be sure everyone around you understands the importance of empathy to emotional intelligence. Set aside time to discuss how to handle feeling clueless at work. You can also plan occasional office field trips where people have the chance to let loose, have fun, and melt away anxiety.

 5. Put empathy on your daily to-do list.

Forming a habit requires intentional effort.  Something as simple as writing a physical note reminding yourself to be empathetic for the next 24 hours can position your mindset for the day. At the end of the day, you can reflect on whether or not you were empathetic in your interactions and think about what you would do differently. With regular practice, you’ll be able to recognize other people’s emotions and what role, if any, you play in improving them.

If you want to learn how to be a better leader, practice empathy. Start with some guesswork and identify the root cause of someone’s feelings. When you explore the true importance of empathy, you’ll create a more supportive and encouraging work environment.

If you want to start a Talk SHIFT in your life and organization, take my assessment. By evaluating the effectiveness of your words, you can create a ripple that affects your employees, clients, friends, and families.

On a scale of one to 10, how helpful was this story to you? Share your thoughts on social media using #TalkSHIFT. 

Bon courage!

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